The Dilemma

Dilemma: a difficult or persistent problem

What I’m about to share with you is sobering to say the least.  It troubles the best of us, feeds on itself, and does irreparable harm to our children.

We’ve all witnessed the kind of training or coaching that attempts to get a result through negative reinforcement.  You know, in a loud tone, or even yelling, “Come on Johnny, you can do better than that.”, “You’re being lazy.”, “Do it again, and you’re never going to play.”, “Do what I tell you.”

First let me say, that I’m not against being direct and forceful.  In fact I use a strategy I learned from a good friend of mine called “The Sandwich”.  It’s simple, praise, constructive criticism, then praise.  It’s a sandwich we could serve as parents, and demand from trainers and coaches, a lot more.

OK, so what’s the dilemma?  The dilemma is we as parents don’t prevent it from happening.  Think about it.  Instead of stepping in, risking our pride, and being embarrassed in front of other parents or peers, we let it happen.

We let it happen, and we know its wrong.  It can emotionally and mentally scar a child for life.  It can kill a dream.  And let me ask you, who has the right to kill a child’s dream, to destroy their will to aspire and accomplish great things.

Have you ever been singled out, embarrassed in front of a crowd?  Imagine being in front of a sideline of parents, some hostile from another team, your own teammates, under indescribable pressure, to perform and not make a mistake.  And then suddenly, a trainer or coach begins to yell and break down a child.

I want to go back to the “hostile crowd”.  I was at a game last season, watching two teams play soccer.  Both teams were very talented, the best of two clubs, battling it out on the field.  I knew many of the players on both teams.  In fact I had coached many of them on occasion or played against them.  So I knew these players and a little bit about their personalities.

One girl had been battling through a tough game, had taken some falls, cried a bit, but kept on fighting.  The ball went out on the opposing team’s sideline.  I happened to be right by the ball.  What came next I will never forget, as long as I live.

See, this match had become so competitive, so physical on the field, that parents had lost presence of their body language, the impression they were giving to this nine year old girl as she prepared to do a throw-in from their sideline was terrifying.

I wanted tell this girl, a girl I knew to have great character and determination, “It’s OK, you’re doing great.”,  “Hang in there.”, “I’m proud of you.”  But as tears rolled from her eyes she looked at the sideline and made the throw-in.  Then, she played, played through it all to win, in spectacular fashion.

I’m ashamed to say I didn’t say anything to the parents, many of which were friends.  All I do know is that I’ll never forget the pressure that little nine year old played through.  It was like I was her for a split second, and could feel the burden, the anger, the will from adults, for failure.

Why do we let it get this far.  As parents we should love all children, and hope the best for them.  We should build them up every chance we get, because I’m certain there are a lot more sidelines like that in America.

As I close, I want to ask that all of us do what’s right.  Empower children to accomplish great things.  Help them, protect them, no matter the cost.  Throw away the pride, never mind the embarrassment.  What you could end up doing might just save a dream.

Sincerely,

Kerry Niemann